Out with the old, in with the reason to keep living.

First day, so far, has been a pretty big success. If I remember correctly, it is the third day when it gets really hard. The first day it always kind of peaceful, resolved. Not to say even one day is not an accomplishment, but the hard hurdle is still coming. Still, I took time today to clean the house, clear the space to be comfortable, and go to the store and buy healthy food. And important rule for me is that I am allowed to buy ANYTHING that is healthy--- even things that are priced extravagantly, like pre-cooked chicken breast strips. Whatever food I buy at the grocery store, it is nothing compared to the money I save by not consuming as much and not buying fast food and binge meals.

My rules for this process are pretty simple: I plan to eat 1200 calories a day, in any combination. 1200 is the target, 1000 is the absolute minimum, 1500 is the absolute maximum. I eat every three hours, minimum. I eat any time I feel hungry--- very small amounts, but I don't starve or force myself to wait longer before eating.

One day a week-- Monday, not any other day--- I will eat more, but not binge. It is not a "free day" but simply a higher calorie day and a day to indulge if there is something that has been preoccupying my cravings. This will help me to keep my metabolism higher and my soul un-punished. The rule for this day is that I still have to EAT FOOD. Not hoards of chocolate, pints of ice cream, deep fried barely-food. Those are never allowed. But a fatty brunch or creamy pasta will be fine and encouraged.

Outside of Mondays, there is absolutely no exception to the diet. Holidays, special occasions, days of extreme stress--- nothing, no exceptions. My brain is too crafty and my body too addicted to allow for any kind of negotiation.

Pretty simple. Active body movement throughout the day, keeping awake and keeping blood flowing. Exercise is simple and moderate--- again, no pushing beyond what is comfortable, no suffering. Five minutes is wonderful, ten minutes is glorious, a walk to the store is a triumph. The idea here is FREQUENCY, not intensity. While the food program is very low in calories, this isn't designed to be an extreme diet, it is designed to be safe and healthy and sustainable.

So that is how we are doing it. Day one: amazing so far. I go back to work tomorrow so I need to make sure I am prepared with a meal and snacks.

Gonna be a big year. Gonna be lightning in a body.

Yesterday it was all over.

It is just a few minutes past midnight on the first day of 2013. I've come back here, as I have come back here so many times before, to write that I am changing. I am starting something new. I am starting something both simple and huge.

In the past several months--- well, lets begin by being honest, it has been the last few years--- my heath has gone from moderate to poor to unacceptable, all as a result of being overweight. Overweight by a huge amount. Huge. I have become huge, and heavy, and tired, and scared. I am scared to go places because of how far I will have to walk. I am scared to get on stage, to talk to people I like. I am scared of traveling, and scared of having sex. I am scared of having to go downstairs to get the mail. I am scared of getting into the shower.

This has gone on for as long as it has gone on, and I can't say why exactly now I have decided it is too much. I don't know why. I don't have a great moment of realization to point to. I just know it. I have become very, very old in a very short span of time.

But lucky for me, can be a time traveler. I have the ability to go back, and rewrite the history of my life. I can become young again. It will just take a fuck-load of work.

I believe in radical self-love. In my own case, radical self-love means loving myself and loving my body enough to change it. I do not know what the final goal is. I don't know what the end result of this project looks like. But I know that I can be beautiful, that I can be radiant, that I can be energetic and healthy and that the world deserves to have me that way. I deserve it.

More good news: this will improve the quality of my life right away. Immediately. I mean, as soon as today. Right away I will have more energy. Right away I will have more clarity, and more confidence, and better orgasms, and better sleep. Right away I will have more money and more comfort.

So, there are a lot of details to work out, and I will write about them in my next post. Tonight I just want to say that I am choosing this out of love. Not out of shame, or remorse, or fear. Out of love for myself and love for others.

I am going to write about it, because writing is the best way for me to engage with anything. In the coming months I am going to write a lot that is ugly, and a lot that is sappy and affirming, I am going to write all of the anger and the pain and cramps and the horrible awareness that comes with working on a body that is nowhere close to being okay. I am going to write what I feel, as much as possible, not what I think I should feel.

So, here it is. We are going to attempt the impossible. But this is my secret: I happen to know the impossible is possible. It's about time other people saw what a man like me can do.

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